@AlanHungover: Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame that they'll never meet...
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@flashember: [Alligator feeding at the zoo] Me: Hey let me do it Keeper: 1st time? M: Heck no *alligator takes me by the arm* I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
@Parker_Simpson: On toilet in a stall playin TigerWoods on phone.eagled a par5.Crowd cheered.Pretty sure guy in the next stall thought I just took epic dump
@TheresNoGodzila: *gets on 1 knee* Me: I know we haven't known each other for a long time, but will you marry me? Her: Please get off my knee
@aveuaskew: Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.