lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
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*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I forgot how to panic. Help
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here