ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
You Might Also Like
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
We need more people like this.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours