Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
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Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE