Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
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Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.