paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
You Might Also Like
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Phones down.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.