Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
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[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?