*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
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Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Software Development ⛵️
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.