@BillMc7: Paranoid Mexicans have a Hispanic room.
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@bourgeoisalien: Human history is so awful, I think I'm just gonna teach my son the timeline of Star Trek off of Wikipedia and call it a day.
@carinahsieh: imagine a rom com so perfect they never end up together and just stay enemies with sexual tension until they both die
@idigcrazychics: You can't boss me around until you're older than the whiskey I drink. -subtweet to my GF
@KeetPotato: [2 years after going missing at zoo] wife: [points at TV] "omg thats him" me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] "why is noone helping me"