Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
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Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right