Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
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My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Story of my life…..
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?