*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
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I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter