“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
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Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏