@stockejock: 'Pardon my French' -People who you would never pardon and who don't know any French
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@TheHyyyype: [driving] WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there? ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
@ShittyComedian: Anytime I'm using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, "Did you bring the lube?" As loud as possible.
@jokeymcjokeface: If your name is Ella and you haven't opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella's, what are you doing with your life?
@AaronFullerton: "You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something..." *cop gets all up in suspect's face* "Targeted. Banner. Ads."