‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
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Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
twitter is a journey
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.