Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
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The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.