Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
You Might Also Like
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
This line from Airplane.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*