Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
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“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
remember
only for emergencies
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions