Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
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Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Unexpected Judgment
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Very problematic
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.