In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
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Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
How about daylight saves us for once
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS