[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
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People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.