[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
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Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face