WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
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God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy