[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
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Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
This kinda thing happens to me often
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.