Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
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Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.