@TheAlexNevil: Parent Tip: don't tell your child "I'm waiting, I can wait all day if I have to" unless you've actually cleared your schedule for the day.
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@nbadag: [hosting a kids show] ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!! KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME! [camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
@TheMichaelRock: Me: Someone broke into the business next door last night. Coworker: Wasn't the building alarmed? Me: Buildings don't get scared. CW.....
@badbanana: 1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
@armyantstudios: My doctor told me to get a lot of rest and fluids so I've been on a drunk rage in my bedroom since 1988.