Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
You Might Also Like
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
this is the best interaction on twitter
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I’m about to risk it all
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.