@TheAlexNevil: Parent Tip: don't tell your child "I'm waiting, I can wait all day if I have to" unless you've actually cleared your schedule for the day.
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@Sean_Burgundy_: People usually stop coming over to your house when you greet them with "Make yourself at home, BUT WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T OPEN THE FREEZER."
@thenatewolf: *Slides a five across the bar* Bartender: Did you... Did you break this off our sign out front? Me: (Confidently) tap water please.
@BuckyIsotope: JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO- ME: question JESUS: I- ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex? JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
@LaniBeno: I hate it when people don't behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.