Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
You Might Also Like
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
This meal prepping shit easy
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….