Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.