*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
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Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?