Otters drive ottermobiles.
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When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I am also baked goods
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
I forgot how to panic. Help
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.