Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
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COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
mom had nothing to worry about
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds