Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
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Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands