@LetMeStart: Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids "no eating on the couch" while you're eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn't fair.
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@Home_Halfway: DATE: So, tell me about your job ME: It's dumb & boring DATE: Oh ME: DATE: ME: *starts eating date's food* This is for asking a bad question
@robdelaney: As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
@RobElliottComic: I don't mean to sound like a tough guy but I've been in New York City for almost two hours and I've only cried like 31 times...
@LuvPug: A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn't know by now where babies come from it's not my place to tell her