Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
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Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Story of my life…..
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work