Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
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Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.