Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
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how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now