lol
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You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.