Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
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[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new