Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
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I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.