Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
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6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
dude it’s called proctologist
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me: