Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
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*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish