Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
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Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.