Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
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My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
a lot to unpack here
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army