Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
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Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Breaking news:
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.