@KenJennings: Parenting is all about wanting to say, "No one cares, honey" 100x a day AND NEVER DOING IT.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@PhilJamesson: [Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag] [Cop approaches, grabs bottle] [It's 40 oz of Yoohoo] Cop: where did you even get this
@dafloydsta: "DADDY THERE'S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED" [me opening bedroom window] Wife: What are you doing? Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
@liv_thatsme: Me: Will I be happy in 2017? (peers into crystal ball) Me: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN Psychic: I don't know; I've never seen one explode before