nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
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My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
welcome back
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent