We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.