@tchrquotes: Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
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@chimneyspotter: I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as "when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink"
@JB4Realz: [Marriage Counseling] Wife: He's always messing up even the simplest phrases. Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download...
@AnOrangeSNES: Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.