Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
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Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.