@TheAlexNevil: Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
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@Brianhopecomedy: My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn't even come close to my 5 year old's reaction when I told him that there's no school today.
@UncleDuke1969: Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
@markhoppus: Doctor Strange used his “super power” to imagine 14 million different possible outcomes for a specific situation, like I don’t already do that every single night.
@eff_yeah_steph: First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box* Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*