Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
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BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
set yourself free xox
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
My Plans 2020