Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
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Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.