Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
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The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*