Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
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Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper