Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
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i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Merry Christmas
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.