Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
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Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
My Sentiments Exactly
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.